Your Bad Day Is Not My Problem
Emotional intelligence is getting a lot of attention these days, thankfully so. But very few people talk about emotional temperament. There are people who think that just because they are hurt, or because they are going through a difficult phase in life, they have the right to treat others with disdain.
This is particularly common in relationships. One person is in a bad mood and starts yelling at their partner and children. Everyone else has to walk on eggshells because somebody is having a bad day. And somehow, this is treated as legitimate behaviour.
People have accepted this as a norm. Why should I care if you are going through your menstrual cycle and dealing with hormonal changes? You have my sympathy, and you will get all the support you need from me. But why the fuck should I tolerate your insensitive remarks?
Similarly, if I am overwhelmed with work or frustrated because my boss yelled at me, I have no right to transfer that frustration onto my family. They are not obligated to tolerate me. Why the fuck should they? It is my duty to tell them, “Not today. I’m feeling down.” I deserve empathy from them, not their obedience.
This behavioural pattern is so common and so widespread that it baffles me. It is understandable when you have had a long day, only to come home hoping to relax and find your wife nagging you about trivial things. It is understandable to lash out in that moment because all you are asking of them is to leave you in peace. You aren’t making any special demands.
Temperament is everything. I admire people who have the temperament to separate their problems from their commitments. People who know how to balance two things at once. People who do not let problems from one area of their life spill over into another.
Most people aren’t like that, and the only way to fix it is by refusing to tolerate that behaviour. Make them face the consequences of their tantrums. Extend sympathy to the extent that it is required. Don’t be insulting or dismissive toward them. Your goal is to hold your ground and stop them from transferring their frustrations onto you.
Your duty is to give them the space to be at peace. They have the right to vent their emotions. Lend them an ear in that case, and a shoulder too. But you do not deserve to be someone’s punching bag.