Why We Fear the Unanswered Text
Every person goes through the feeling of being left alone. Of being abandoned. When they try to connect with someone and that person doesn't react with the same intensity. When you sent that text and it's been an hour and she hasn't responded. Worse, you saw her posting an Instagram story, so she clearly has her phone in hand but hasn't prioritised your message. That feeling in your stomach is called abandonment.
We fear rejection because we don't want to be left alone. Rejection reminds us that we have been left alone. We hate that feeling so much that we would do anything to escape it. Even if it means distancing ourselves from our own emotions. Even if it means staying alone. We would rather quit the world than feel that rejection constantly. The heartbreak you felt when she left you is the same feeling. Abandonment.
Of course it's tied to evolution. Every damn emotion is tied to evolution. But I want to emphasise that in practical terms, it isn't entirely a bad emotion. It's a signal of how much you like the person. The problem isn't in the liking, it's in what you want after you've decided you like them. We want that liking returned, because our brain is transactional. When we love something, we want the love reciprocated. We cannot simply love without expecting something back. That feels foolish.
We don't want to appear foolish by declaring our feelings and getting nothing in return. So we choose to stay silent, thinking, let the other person go first. Deep down, we are all worried about being rejected. About being abandoned. We don't want to be left alone, so we settle for whatever thread of attachment is offered to us.
You need to learn to love someone without turning it into a transaction. Love cannot be transactional. The fear of rejection exists partly because there's a moral stake involved, which is fine from a societal standpoint, but mainly because that fear reminds you of the pain of rejection. We don't want pain. But pain only exists when we want something and don't get it. If we stop wanting it, there is no pain in never receiving it. The transaction dissolves.
Be the person someone wants in their life. Choose the person you would want to spend your life with. Then take your shot. Every rejection is a data point, not a personal verdict on you. Be so complete in yourself that you don't feel abandoned when someone walks away.
We want someone in our life to share our life with. But there has to be something worth sharing. When you already have a life that can be shared, you never feel abandoned, because you can always return to the life you've built for yourself. You stop caring whether the love is returned. All you care about is having expressed it, so your heart feels lighter. And that is the whole point.