Why We Can’t Talk on the Phone
I am not a big fan of telephonic conversations. From that choice of words alone, you can guess how often I pick up my smartphone to make or receive a call. But I am not alone. Many people loathe speaking on the phone.
And yet I know that without conversations, without making the effort to stay in touch, we can never sustain long-lasting relationships. I have lost many, mainly because I was too hesitant to follow up, to call, to remember birthdays.
So they assumed I was uninterested. From their perspective, that was true. From mine, it wasn’t. I did care; I simply did nothing to show it. It is not as though I have lost contact with every person I have met. There are a few I remain close to. But many who were once close friends have faded into acquaintances.
This makes me wonder what these specific people did that made me stay in touch with them longer. The answer turned out to be simpler than I thought: the quality of conversation.
The problem with most people is that they have an abysmal way of conversing. They default to mundane small talk. They show little interest in asking the right questions or in understanding what kind of person you are.
Then there are the rare ones who, instead of commenting on the photo I posted on Instagram, would rather discuss what I wrote in the caption. Most people do not read what I post; they find reading “boring.” But what someone writes reflects what they are thinking. Even if it is just a borrowed quote, it still represents a mindset.
When someone notices something small, like your caption, or says, “I bet you would get drunk on a Thursday if you could,” it immediately evokes the playful and honest side of you. Whether the answer is true or false is irrelevant. Questions like these do not have definitive answers. What they guarantee is a conversation that moves toward what you are thinking rather than what you are doing.
Those are the conversations I cherish. The factual exchanges are fine; facts surface eventually. But the moments where we speak our minds and listen to someone else’s are the only way we truly come to know each other.
For a long time, I resented myself for not staying in touch. I boxed myself into the definition of someone who hates phone calls and prefers messages. The truth is simpler: I hate mundanity. I despise small talk. I dislike formalities. With messages, you can always escape. With calls, you are trapped.
The same applies to face-to-face conversations. Notice the people you are closest to. They are usually the ones with whom you can speak freely, because you are willing to explore every kind of conversation together.
If someone in your life does not stay in touch with everyone, observe who they remain close to and what they gravitate toward. Those people and pursuits reveal how they think.
Elevate the quality of your conversations. Make them more personal without becoming intrusive, and watch how even the coldest hearts begin to soften.