What Killed The Love?
A lot of people in long-term relationships become unhappy after a while. They say it's normal. That love eventually fades. They begin to believe love is only ever early infatuation or attraction, and once that fades, the mundanities of life take over. Then the conflict begins. But they all agree that there should be respect between two people to sustain the relationship. This is where they draw the line.
This all sounds healthy and intellectual. It is not. It is a defeatist mindset born out of a mind that has given up all hope. This is post hoc rationalisation. Reasoning to make sense of what has already passed us by. It is by no means an accurate reflection of how a relationship should function.
You do not choose who you fall in love with. It's a feeling you develop for someone. This is purely biological at first. Compatibility comes later. What you find attractive, what makes you love someone, depends on your mental makeup. What frame of mind you're in while looking at the world and the people who inhabit it.
That's why your attraction shifts as you grow. The people you loved in college will feel repellent to you in your thirties. The definition has shifted because the mental makeup has changed. Who you fall for is not in your hands. It's a feeling you get when you see that person in front of you. No amount of rationalisation can kill that feeling. But pragmatism dictates who you choose to be in a relationship with.
In a long-term relationship, we deal with the pragmatic things but forget to deal with the biological markers. A lot of people are simply not motivated to evolve past a certain point. They remain exactly the same person, growing only in size, never in magnitude. They compensate with hubris for the intellect they lack. They lack empathy, social grace, and the simple ability to read between the lines when dealing with people.
Such people eventually lose the reverence of their significant other. Love is all about reverence. The urge to please is what keeps the spice alive. Love is a feeling. You cannot manufacture it overnight. It's either there or it's not. A relationship is a contract, but love is not. That's why you fall for other people but don't pursue a relationship with them. It isn't pragmatic. The rational mind takes over.
Once the reverence disappears, what's left is a contract to stay together. The urge to please disappears. It's replaced by courtesy at first. Then not even that. Bitterness seeps in. This bitterness is a signal most people ignore. They read it as mistreatment, but it's a valuable data point. Somebody is dissatisfied with you. You have to dig deeper to find out what would restore their satisfaction.
When someone expresses bitterness in every argument, you know something has affected them. They may not be able to name it, but it's there, and it's your duty to uncover it. Because this is what killed the reverence. This is what convinced them you're no longer worth tolerating.
Are you not worthy enough? You fight harder to establish your worth. You lay down ground rules: there must be respect in this relationship. But respect is also a feeling. You can be courteous to someone, sure, but courtesy is reserved for limited interactions, like those with strangers. It's part of general manners. Reverence is a deeper respect you hold for someone. It's a feeling. It's either there or it isn't.
You can pretend to have that feeling, but the moment your emotions are provoked, the restraint you've been practising collapses. And that is why, in every argument, the line of respect dissolves and the cycle feels like it's starting all over again.
Some people in long-term relationships grow needier because they worry they're losing out. They want to be bound by the legalities of marriage because they believe the other person will walk away for someone else. Someone better, though we never name this, lest we have to admit we aren't better right now. Deep down we know the relationship has gone to shit. But we hold on to it, because what else are we going to do after so many years?
Love is a feeling. Respect is a feeling. And that respect is a byproduct of evolution. If you remain the exact same person, arguing about the exact same things, you will fall apart. This is also why having a personality of your own matters. You need your own path, your own things to build, your own battles to fight. Relationships are where two paths converge to form a separate, more important third path.
You do not choose who you fall in love with. It's a feeling. It's biological. The same goes for reverence. You cannot fake deep respect for someone. You either have it or you don't. The eyes tell you everything, and they cannot lie. Look for it and the disgust will be right there. Either you evolve, or you get comfortable with that disgust in their eyes.