The Sting of Loneliness
Loneliness makes you do stupid things. Like tolerating the wrong person. Like fawning over someone you should have avoided. Thinking about someone you have no business thinking about. The pain of being with yourself feels unbearable sometimes. No amount of meditation helps. Meditation too brings you closer to yourself. But what if you are tired of yourself.
The need for warmth is real. You need someone closer to you. Someone to touch you. Someone to hold you when you want to break down. Someone to hug you when you feel not so deserving of it. Someone with whom you can be vulnerable. Someone with whom you can be naked. Physically as well as mentally.
And so when you can't have all of this, your body craves. Your body knows this craving. It is ancient. A gift of evolution. Or maybe even older than that. You have known this need since childhood. It has changed its shape but the need remains the same. To want someone is made to feel shameful. Because we have associated vulnerability with weakness.
People have done stupid things out of loneliness. They have developed an attraction for someone they should have avoided. They have fixated on people they shouldn't even have bothered to look at. They have lavished attention on someone who didn't deserve a glance. They have endured indignities all because they were too frightened of an empty room. For a moment of warmth, people have sacrificed years of their lives.
There are no techniques to overcome that. You cannot overcome what is ancient. There are no medicines to fight an evolutionary need. The need for warmth is the only need that predates humanity. Even animals feel the sting of loneliness. It affects you physically as well as mentally.
Hang in there, if you feel this way. Acknowledge your bad decisions. Nothing wrong with pursuing warmth. Don't tolerate mediocrity, though. Do not settle for less. Know your worth as much as you know your need. Do not sacrifice your youth for the need for warmth. Seek solace in other pursuits. Until you find the one with whom you want to be naked. Physically as well as mentally.
Be open to opportunities but don't be desperate for them. The need for human touch is real. There is no philosophy designed to overcome this need. So I will not offer you one. Seek comfort. Seek warmth from people. Be a good person without becoming a doormat. I hope you find someone you don't mind being naked with.