The Shape Of Modern Arguments
All forms of argument begin with a specific event, but often bypass that event and expand into a commentary on one’s entire existence. Most arguments eventually devolve into whataboutery. Once this happens, it becomes impossible to engage meaningfully with the discussion. This is why arguments often feel unnecessarily prolonged. We see this pattern constantly on social media, and I worry that we have imported these habits into our personal lives.
If you care about one thing, you are expected to care about everything else as well. For instance, if you condemn a hate crime in your city, you must also condemn hate crimes in Israel or Palestine, otherwise you are labeled a hypocrite. Arguments can no longer remain confined to the event itself. They are dragged into ideologies and belief systems. At that point, the argument has nowhere to go. It becomes so emotionally charged that direction itself is lost.
This behavior is no longer limited to political discourse. It has seeped into everyday life. A simple act, forgetting something, can be twisted to represent carelessness across your entire life. The argument no longer aims to address the original issue. Instead, the issue becomes a catalyst to express personal resentment toward the individual. The only reasonable exception is when there is a clear underlying pattern. For example, someone who knows they forget things but still refuses to use reminders is displaying a recurring behavior that genuinely needs to be addressed. In that case, the pattern, not the isolated event, is the issue.
We need to learn to define the objective of every argument. Avoid arguments where the objective is unclear. Sometimes, it is better to make a remark and move on. Suppose you want your husband to stop leaving a wet towel on the bed. You start with the obvious request. Two things can happen, either he complies, or he does not. If he does not, clarify what his repeated behavior communicates, that your words are not being taken seriously. At that point, it begins to feel less like carelessness and more like disregard, because no one can be that oblivious repeatedly. Then confront the deeper issue, what is it about you, or the relationship, that makes him behave this way? Notice the Pandora’s box this can open. Approach every argument with this same structure.
Practice digging deeper into issues. More often than not, the argument is not about the surface issue at all. It is tied to something deeper, unresolved hurt or an internal struggle that finds expression through unrelated conflicts. Like a child who rebels because he quietly craves his parents’ attention. Be mindful of the quality of your arguments. The moment you notice yourself drifting into whataboutery, pause. Ask yourself why you feel the need to introduce another issue. The purpose of an argument is not to win, it is to resolve the problem that initiated it.
The most beautiful thing you can do is remove the lens of rigid beliefs and see people for who they truly are. They may seem strange at first, perhaps even unsettling, but those traits are what define them, just as your traits define you. If your arguments consistently fail to produce meaningful outcomes, you need to look deeper. You will often discover that people understand why the argument exists. They are simply avoiding it because they are grappling with something else entirely.
But you will never know what burdens them unless you allow them the space to open up, unless you create a moment in the argument where genuine empathy is expressed. Avoid whataboutery at all costs unless it helps establish a clear pattern. Learn about people so that you can love them. Because in the end, isn’t that the whole point? Love.