The Science Of Infatuation
Have you ever been infatuated with someone to the point that you want their presence at any cost? You stop thinking rationally and can think only of them. When they are nearby, your mind refuses to function without drifting toward them or stealing a glance. It sounds like the kind of thing you experience in college. Itâs trueâmost adults no longer feel it because they over-rationalise their emotions.
There is a word for this feeling: limerence. It was coined in 1977 by the American psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who introduced it in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. I am not surprised that it came from a woman; a man would rarely go to such lengths to define love. He would more likely write poetry about his own torment. But Tennovâs work offers an important insight: what many casually call infatuationâhowever intenseâhas deep biological roots.
Limerence is an overwhelming infatuation directed toward the âlimerent object.â The person desperately seeks reciprocation of attention. While the intensity is extreme, it is important to note that limerence does not necessarily involve sexual attraction. Those who experience these intrusive thoughts, this craving for attention, this pain in the face of indifference or potential rejection, still lack many of the pillars we normally associate with romance. Yet limerence remains part of the romantic spectrumâjust not the dating kind.
Such a powerful attraction can only be explained through biology. This feeling has existed across cultures, ages, sexes, and orientations. But why do we experience such heightened pull toward someone? Perhaps because we see in them the values we hold sacred, the beauty we intuitively favour, the traditional qualities we thought had vanished, or simply the emotional state they evokeâsomething we may have longed to feel.
When a wave of this intensity hits, rationality goes out the window. You realise how strong your evolutionary instincts are when set against your carefully cultivated, ârationalâ judgments. We are still a hungry species, searching for nourishmentâfiguratively, if not literally. The hunger for attention, validation, joy, and beauty remains firmly embedded in us.
That is why beauty can feel objective, even though each person perceives it differently. Our choices vary, but the pull is the same. Feeling attracted to someone is never a sin; what you choose to do afterward determines the consequences. Some pursue it, date, and eventually marry. Some suffer in silence until the feeling dissolves after a few months. Yet within the sweet sufferingâthe stolen glances, the ache of inattentionâlies a kind of poetry that only a few ever experience. It makes you feel human, alive, and, more importantly, romantic at heart.