The Questions Fathers Never Answer
Our parents are growing older and we are growing busier. This is a tragedy unto itself. They are running out of time and we don't have enough time to give it to them. This is the time we feel we should be spending with them. Reminiscing about their life. Asking them how theirs was. Are they satisfied? Are they happy?
I often wonder about asking my father what he thinks about his life now that he has lived so much of it. What would he have done differently? What advice would he give me? Generally, when you ask your father that, he tells you about his failures. He tells you not to repeat them. That's hindsight bias.
I want to know the emotional side of the man. But fathers are a tough breed. They have spent so much of their life hiding emotions, negating them, mocking themselves for feeling them, that they would rather die than express it. I look at myself and realise the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I would rather die than be vulnerable in front of my kids, whenever I have them.
Conversations like these are important to have with parents. It might catch them off guard, sure. They might even react harshly at first. Because connecting with your emotional side means being vulnerable with the kids in front of whom you have spent your entire life projecting strength. Now those same kids are asking you to be vulnerable. They haven't learned it. They don't know how to.
But this is the most crucial piece of information you can have. Learn it from all the elders in the family. Including your grandfather. See how their priorities have changed. I have asked emotional questions of all of them. Not all the questions I wanted to ask, but enough to gauge how they thought. It made me think differently about them. It's tough to dislike them once you know they were humans who made mistakes.
They were humans who had no reference point. No template to go through life. We have books, podcasts, and social media at our fingertips. They didn't. They had parents who themselves were cruel, harsh, and outright wrong. But then they too had their parents who were equally critical of them. So the cycle was corrupt from the beginning.
Spend time with your parents and elders. Not just to discuss past trauma. Or to relive painful memories. But to understand the human now that they have gained clarity through time. This is the part that will stay with you. This will complete the cycle of hurt. This will make you remember them fondly.
And most importantly, this will tell you the exact thing to fix to break the generational cycle.