The Grief Good Men Carry
When you are a responsible man, you are not allowed to falter. Once your role is established, you are expected to fulfil it. Every day. Every damn time. Regardless of how you are feeling. Regardless of what you are feeling. Depression then becomes a luxury. You only get empathy insofar as it keeps you functional. If your functioning is impaired, you don't get any.
That's why there are men out there who are suffering but cannot speak of it. Because who would listen. They silently endure their mental ordeal. Trying to make sense of the world with a broken mind. With their absence of love, warmth and care. Because if they stop, somebody will sleep hungry. That's the most haunting weight to carry. Mix it with ingratitude from the very people he's providing for, and you are looking at a deeply disturbed man.
This goes deeper than it appears. You are expected to sacrifice your desires. If there is ever a moment where someone must give something up, it has to be you. Nobody forces you to. That's the cruel part. They simply expect it of you, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. You do it because you know you can take it. Because you have been taking it for so long, you have convinced yourself it's alright if only one person is suffering.
You start believing that if it's only you suffering, then there is no suffering. Because you don't count. You don't matter. You are there to fulfil a role. Serve a function. It frustrates you sometimes. It shouldn't be like that, but it is like that for a great many men out there.
Your wishes don't matter. You cannot afford to be selfish and splurge on yourself, lest you be seen as reckless. And all the suffering you endure daily will be dismissed the moment you make one careless purchase or follow your heart.
You cannot quit because it is nigh impossible. No matter what people say, quitting is not an option. The only way out is through. You have to go through this ordeal, hoping something along the way will get fixed. But it never does. Years pass. Decades go by. And you are still stuck.
I don't have any advice for you, my brother, because I am in the same boat. Looking for a fix. Getting none. The spiritual gurus say suffering is always a choice, that it's optional. I agree with them. When you go numb, there is no suffering. Maybe someday I will write a more defiant piece about what a man ought to do. But tonight, I don't want to be a logical man.
Tonight I just want to acknowledge the grief that good men carry in their hearts. Because most of the time, nobody acknowledges them. Nobody gives a shit about them. All I will say is: hang in there. There's a way out. There has to be, right!?