The Direction of Need
Expectations are the root cause of suffering, they said. Desire for outcome also brings suffering. Everything you want brings suffering. You talk to someone you want to keep talking to. But if they don't feel that way, or don't feel that strongly, you are finished. You suffer endlessly. Through no fault of your own. Except perhaps the need to connect.
Why do we expect, though? Why is there a need for anything? The simple answer is because we are human. Humans have needs. But that's not quite right either. We don't need everything. Some people are obsessed with cars. Others couldn't care less about cars. They crave something else entirely. So the impulse to want is universal. The specific wants are not.
Our expectations aren't really about what we need. They are about why we need it. We want a car so we can be considered socially acceptable. We want children so we don't feel left out among friends. We want a partner so we aren't seen as incapable. We want a house because of status. We want to travel because we want to prove that we can. We want the other person to respond because we cannot bear to be rejected.
It's not quite validation. The need is social. It is rooted in how we perceive ourselves relative to where we stand in society and in life. The need to bond is ancient. The expectation from a specific person is personal. We fall for someone and we want that person to fall for us too. Regardless of their needs, their expectations, their desires. We assume our wanting is enough. When we don't get what we want, we feel rejected. And rejection is a whole different beast.
So in effect, how we feel depends entirely on whether we get what we want. Our expectations are directly tied to our self-worth. Any blow to self-worth brings pain. Suffering. Overthinking. The cycle is exhausting. To break out of it, you first need to locate where it begins. Why it exists. Only then can you begin to resolve it.
Talking to someone makes you feel good. But your sense of ease shouldn't be tethered to that one person. Your wellbeing is independent of your social standing. Of your self-worth. How you feel about yourself is your own responsibility. The need for companionship makes you dependent. That dependence triggers the cycle of diminished self-worth born from unmet expectations.
Your goal should be to detach your self-worth from social games. Detach it from status. Detach it from the person. Your self-worth must come from what you have done and who you are. Immerse yourself in the things you love. Measure your worth by the progress you make in those pursuits. Your self-worth must only come from the things you choose to do, not the things that happen to you. That is as simple as it gets.
After all, it is your self-worth. No one else should be able to assign a value to it. Expectations are the root cause of suffering because your suffering is tied to what you need from others. Fix the direction of that need. Direct it inward, and the expectations will always be met. People will come and go from your life. But you have to live with yourself. Might as well get comfortable with that.