The Cost Of Comparison
Comparison is the root cause of envy. It is also the root of much of a child’s angst. When you compare your child’s worst performance with someone else’s best, you are not just setting a standard — you are showing your child that your love and approval are conditional. To earn it, he must become someone else, someone you prefer. But a child can never truly become someone else. He has his own destiny, his own path. Even if he craves your approval, he cannot walk another’s road.
So he creates a confused, patchwork identity in his head — an imagined version of the person you might love. He tries to become that person. But since the goal is impossible, and you yourself may not even know exactly what you want, he ends up becoming someone you like even less. This vicious cycle leaves him not only resenting you but also hating himself more deeply. He begins to believe love will never come his way, that perhaps he should stop seeking it at all.
That is why comparison can be far more damaging than it seems. When your child — or anyone — comes to you, don’t tell them they must become someone else to win your approval. Instead, be specific with your feedback. Understand their unique mould and help them grow while keeping their personality intact.
A person is shaped by experiences and the thoughts they form around those experiences. Your comparisons create negative experiences in the child’s mind, and when mixed with pessimistic thoughts, the results can be volatile. Of course, you may never blame yourself for shaping someone’s struggles — but perhaps you should. If you see someone else doing this, intervene. Explain the cycle of thought to them. With luck, they will avoid damaging the lives and minds of those they love.
If you are someone who has struggled with this since childhood, your next step is awareness. Recognize that you began with the wrong identity, the wrong approach to the world. The world itself isn’t such a bad place, but you will encounter people and experiences that make it seem unbearable. Your only real goal is to make peace with your inner child.
Remember: you owe nobody anything. You have your own destiny, your own path, and your choices should come from your inner understanding of who you are. Redefine that inner identity, and the path itself will change. Others may compare you with the best or the worst — it won’t matter unless you also start comparing yourself. Do not let the thought that you are “not good enough” take root. Repair your identity, redefine who you are, and you will repair the world around you.