The Addiction To Be Seen
We have all been in situations where we are not getting enough attention. There’s plenty written about that. But what if you are getting too much attention? Maybe for how you look. Or how you conduct yourself. Or how you make others feel. Or perhaps a combination of all of it. How do you deal with that?
If you think that’s an easy problem, you are mistaken. Just as a lack of attention can affect your personality, an excess of it can damage it as well. We are wired to receive attention. No matter what we say, even children seek it; they do all sorts of things to gain their parents’ notice.
There is an evolutionary advantage to this. We like receiving attention, and so it becomes important to manage it when it arrives in abundance. But what actually attracts attention? I am not talking about celebrities, although they can be included.
Women tend to receive the most attention. Some of it positive, but much of it negative. Often, it is based on their beauty because, let’s be honest, we all carry carnal desires, and beauty activates something deep within us. Yet we are not animals, so we attempt to behave rationally.
So consider beauty as a magnet for attention. There is a saying: show me a beautiful woman, and I will show you a man who is tired of her. Even the most beautiful women have people who cannot stand them. Beauty may open doors, but keeping those doors open requires effort.
That effort lies in personality. How you make someone feel. The kind of authority you command. The charisma you project. Your ability to converse. All of these form your personality. None of them are techniques; they are reflections of the work you have done on yourself.
A person who articulates well, understands their domain, respects others’ boundaries, and engages without making others feel inferior will always be well regarded. Add a degree of assertiveness, and you have a strong, grounded presence.
It is safe to conclude that sustained attention is a byproduct of serious personal development. You cultivate a personality that stands apart, which is precisely what makes you interesting. The work you do in solitude reflects in how you show up with others.
In essence, there are two personas: the one you nurture in private, and the one reflected to others. But that reflection is not separate; it is an extension of who you are. The persona people are drawn to is merely the reflection of the one you consistently develop.
The moment you begin to focus on the attention your external persona receives, and start to crave it, you neglect the inner self that fuels that reflection.
You become dependent on the attention you once attracted naturally. You engage more with people because they make you feel good about yourself. You spend less time cultivating your inner persona and start exploiting it to gain more attention.
This soon begins to show. Instead of engaging in meaningful interactions that once earned you attention, you start engaging with the sole purpose of receiving it. The outcome becomes the objective, and that is where problems begin.
People start to sense a certain saturation around you. Your emotional side surfaces more easily, because even a slight dip in attention can trigger discomfort. You begin to mirror the emotional patterns of an addict.
Unbeknownst to you, you become clingy. You overshare. You invest less in your inner self and start indulging in the external persona. But without the underlying substance, it cannot sustain itself, and eventually everything begins to unravel.
Gradually, you lose touch with your inner persona. You feel lost. Isolated. You feel as though the world has betrayed you. Trust becomes difficult. You will encounter people who display flashes of intelligence, yet their personality is dominated by emotional responses such as arrogance, aloofness, and a fear of rejection.
Do not chase what is fickle. Realise that the only constant is you. Everything else is a mirage. Focus on your inner persona. If you do not yet know it, then it is time to discover it. Direct your energy toward strengthening that core self. What you express outwardly must be a reflection of it, a derivative of it, not its foundation.
The pursuit of attention always, without exception, leads to pain. It is inherently paradoxical. You receive attention for who you are, but the moment you prioritise attention over what made you worthy of it, the decline becomes inevitable.