Stop Manipulating People
There are countless self-help books, countless articles, and innumerable videos on how to have a good conversation. The definition of “good” is often framed as how much you can get out of the interaction—as if the art of conversation cannot be considered successful unless you somehow manipulate it in your favour. As if it’s a race you must win.
It’s tiresome, unethical, and unnecessary. I agree that in certain contexts—speaking to your boss, giving a presentation, delivering a public speech—you cannot afford to simply go with the flow. You must adapt to the audience. But in most situations, which account for ninety percent of our daily interactions, you don’t need these tactics. All you need is basic manners, decency, and raw honesty.
People who fear raw honesty don’t understand how it works. They’ve never truly tried it, or when they did, it backfired because of poor execution. Raw honesty is an effective filter that helps remove the wrong people from your life. What do I mean by it? It means saying what you truly mean without being an asshole. It means being unapologetic about your choices, your thoughts, and your mannerisms, as long as they don’t harm others. It means speaking your mind even if you come across strong at times—in fact, that should often be the priority.
The only cardinal rule is: don’t hurt people. That’s it. That is the only thing you must keep in mind—even when they hurt you. Don’t hurt the world.
Tactics can get you what you want, but rarely what you need: companionship, genuine friendship, healthy relationships. You cannot manipulate every conversation just because you need something. The most beautiful conversations of your life will be the ones you didn’t plan. You didn’t rely on any technique. You simply started talking and kept going until you shared everything.
So why don’t we do that more often? Because not everyone deserves that side of us. That’s true—but how will someone know you’re interesting if you always hide it? We need to embrace our inner child, our core identity, the ideas that shaped us. Use mental models and communication techniques, but remember that the ultimate goal is to find meaning in life, discover good people, and stay close to them.
Of course, you don’t reveal everything in the first meeting. You do it gradually. What I’m advocating is a balance between skillful communication and raw honesty. Even then, don’t hide yourself—use formal techniques when required, but avoid manipulating the conversation. Lean toward honesty.
Next time you meet someone, be unapologetic about sharing what is genuinely on your mind while maintaining basic decorum. Do not hide behind false pretenses. Some people may not like you, and that is precisely the point—it’s a filter. Use it as a magnet to attract those who appreciate that raw honesty. That is where real relationships begin.