In Layers
I am realising that I have met a lot of people in my life, but not all of them are still a part of it. It is easy for me to socialise with people, crack a few jokes and be kind to them. But opening up to people is an entirely different matter, especially when it comes to expressing my emotional side.
I have managed to be candid with only a handful of people, and those are the ones who have stayed in my life. Yet, when I count the people I know and those I casually call my friends, the number is quite large.
I used to envy people who had large circles of friends. They always seemed to have someone to hang out with, plan trips with or simply call for a conversation. I never had that, and I often wondered why. I am gradually realising that perhaps I am simply not wired that way.
I need my personal space. Without solitude, I would not be who I am. I am not an outwardly expressive person; I am more introspective by nature. You may not find me particularly interesting the first time we meet, but neither would you find me unapproachable. If we continue talking, you might eventually discover who I really am.
I open up in layers, and there is no way around it. Believe me, I have tried. It would be overwhelming for the other person to discover that there is so much more to me than meets the eye. And it would be equally overwhelming for me to reveal so much of myself all at once.
So, I have given up on the idea of having a large circle of friends. Not everyone has the mental bandwidth to invest that kind of time and emotional energy in another person. Besides, I find it almost impossible to express my true self in a first meeting. I have, however, learnt to be more cordial, kinder, funnier and mindful of other people's feelings. Perhaps that is the most I can offer, and I have learnt to be content with it.