How To Be More Assertive?
There are many people who cannot make choices for themselves. They are beautiful, gentle, intelligent, kinder still, yet when it comes to asserting their will in the world, they falter. And the lazy ones call them weak. Emotional. Naive. They begin their lectures as if the other person is an idiot.
But how can someone be perceptive in one domain and utterly foolish in another? That is not how intelligence works. The issue lies elsewhere, in a place the world does not care to examine, or perhaps has no intention of examining at all.
The reason you struggle to make a choice is that you were never offered one. You were made to believe that expressing what you like is wrong. Or you were rejected too many times. So you never learned how to make better choices, or how to live by them.
The chain of cause and consequence becomes so distorted that, to avoid undesirable outcomes, you abandon the very idea of choosing. And before you even realise there is a problem, you become a punching bag for the world, a doormat. People impose their opinions, their suggestions, their choices upon you as if you are meant to comply.
So how does such a person get back on their feet? Start by naming your weaknesses. Start talking to yourself. Start writing to yourself. Journaling is a conversation with your past self. Your rational mind must confront your vulnerable self. You need to understand what is happening inside your head, what exactly you are so afraid of.
More often than not, you were punished for asking, for demanding, for choosing. You were taught, harshly, that you are not meant to assert your will, only to obey. So you complied. You became the most obedient child.
The authority figures in your life are partly to blame, parents, teachers, elder siblings, anyone who could have helped you understand the world. Instead, they projected their insecurities and their authority, handing you a distorted worldview.
It is unsettling how something so small can metastasise into a catastrophe where you are unable to assert yourself. You become a doormat, absorbing the worst of the world, waiting for something good to arrive, but it rarely does.
The antidote is simple, though not easy: assert your will deliberately. Start small. Order that food from the restaurant. Buy that book you wanted to read but hesitated to order. Tell someone no. That last part is the hardest. You worry excessively about saying no because you assume they will be annoyed.
They might be, especially if they are used to hearing yes from you. But so what? Will they stop loving you? And if they do, so what? You can only assert yourself in the world when you stop fearing that people will leave you.
Here lies the paradox: the less you worry about people leaving, the less they actually do. This is not about self-love. That framing is shallow. Instead, turn your attention inward, toward what you want and the kind of engagement you seek. Begin eliminating what you do not want.
Tell that person he is not funny when he makes those ridiculous jokes. Tell your girlfriend you do not want to go out with her friends because you find them dull and would rather do something else. Tell your mother you are an adult and can handle your own life, that she is no longer responsible for you.
Asserting your will becomes possible only when you first acknowledge that you want something. This is not a call to become abrasive. Treat people with kindness. Ask yourself what kind of response a situation deserves. If something bothers you, ask a follow-up question: what am I afraid will happen if I respond honestly?
Be an honest person, not just with the world, but with yourself. The people who hurt you in the past are gone. Those who let you down no longer define you. Now it is just you, in command of your emotions. If you do not feel in control, then your first task is to regain that control before you act.
The next time you do not feel like talking to someone, tell them you are unavailable. If your partner annoys you, step away or say so. If they retaliate, you respond in kind, calmly but firmly. If people begin to dislike you, ask yourself why you needed their approval in the first place.
The less you fear isolation, the less isolated you will feel. The less you need, the less you will depend. That is the nature of it. Focus on yourself. Identify your flaws and work on them. Your first loyalty is to yourself. Everyone else is passing through. Do what you truly feel inclined to do, with one rule: do not harm anyone. And that rule applies to you as well.