Go for the Heart, Not the Jugular
We are always in a race to figure people out. We want to know quickly whether they are worth trusting. Whether we can rely on them. Whether they are who they say they are. Our first instinct is to distrust people, so we can protect ourselves from getting hurt.
That is the whole game. Protecting ourselves. The need to trust someone stems from our desire to be vulnerable with them. To be honest with them. To share our rawest selves with them. So we can tell them what we truly feel and what we truly believe without being punished for it through harsh judgments.
The race to figure people out is backwards. You can never figure out something that is constantly evolving. People change. There is nothing good or bad about it. It is the law of nature. Everything in nature is constantly changing. Nothing is stagnant. People are no different. You cannot completely measure something that is always changing. You will always be wrong.
The shortcut to figuring someone out is judging them. By where they come from. By how they behave. By what they say. By how they say it. These are shortcuts, sometimes built on genuine evidence, but more often than not, on false premises. If people are constantly evolving and can never truly be figured out, then perhaps we need to change our approach.
The best tactic is to learn about people instead of judging them. Learn why they do what they do. Learn what makes them who they are. Be curious about their thought processes instead of being nosy about what they are thinking. What they say matters far less than why they are saying it.
Once you understand the mental foundations of a person, you will be in a better position to trust them. You are still not judging them. Still not trying to figure them out. But you will have a better understanding of who they truly are, and how much of their personality is merely a facade, a shield they have built to protect themselves from getting hurt.
To learn about people, you need to be patient with them. Listen to their stories. Ask follow-up questions without being nosy. Try to understand what made them react a certain way when they share anecdotes. Pay attention to the stories they tell, because they reveal what bothers them. These are the things that define someone. That make them whole.
There is no manipulation here. When someone realises that they are being understood rather than judged, they will open up to you. Everybody hates nosy people, but nobody hates curious people. We simply confuse the two and assume they mean the same thing. That is how you build a lasting connection with someone.
The world is too isolated. Too divided. People are too lonely these days because everyone is busy looking for someone who can “get” them. They never bother to understand the mechanisms behind this “getting”. Learn about people. As much as you can. As patiently as you can. Go straight for their heart, not their jugular. They will love you for that.
And that, my dear reader, is the whole point of life.