For Posterity
I have been writing for a while now. Most of the time, I write about whatever is going through my head—my thoughts, my feelings, and my opinions. These are usually fleeting because emotions and circumstances keep changing, and so do the thoughts associated with them.
I write when a feeling is particularly strong, only to find myself feeling something entirely different a few days later. I often go back and read my older essays. It does two things: it highlights how sporadic my thought process was, and it reminds me of what I was going through at that particular point in time.
Even though some of the essays read like pieces of thought, there is usually a particular thought or experience that triggered that opinion in my mind, which I then used as fuel for the essay. So when I go back and read my previous essays, I also go back in time to what I was going through. The mental turmoil I was facing. The things I was trying to make sense of.
This is one of the unintended side effects of writing about what you think and feel every day. You realise that you have overcome so many different things. So many morbid thoughts that once consumed you. And eventually, you understand that another set of such thoughts isn't going to break you.
Every thought then becomes an observation for you to write about. It becomes a game, fuelled by curiosity. The emotions never really go away. You simply get better at decoding them, at recognising them for what they are, and at reminding yourself that this too shall pass.
Most of the time, I only remember the crux of every essay I have written because those are the things I still believe in, and the same has been reflected on paper. But the intensity fades away. And I feel like I have somehow figured out a way to capture that intensity on paper for posterity.
I am going to keep writing. I don't know for how long, but I have a feeling it will be for a very long time. If you want to see some of the thoughts that have bothered me over the years, go ahead and read some of my older essays.
I am a flawed human being, just like you—someone who feels too much but is often too afraid to admit it.