Feel Everything, Show Nothing
Being calm is a superpower. We all know it. We all want it. Yet few of us know how to get there. How do you rein in the emotions storming inside your head? How do you stop them from spilling out of your mouth? How do you keep what you feel from showing on your face?
It happens in two phases. The first is understanding why you aren't calm. You need to identify the emotions that dominate you. Then you either address them, or find a way to handle them without acting on impulse. Most people are defensive by reflex. When they hear something untrue about themselves, they leap to correct it. That is impulse taking the wheel.
The second phase is keeping that impulse from spilling over. Remind yourself that your feelings are a window into your personality, insecurities and vulnerabilities included. Are you comfortable laying yourself bare to everyone? If not, play a small game with yourself: feel everything inside, but never let anyone see what you feel.
A pause is fine. A pause looks composed as long as your face isn't contorted. A smile is even better. If someone says something that puts you on the defensive, give them a polite smile, an amused smile. You may feel rage churning within, but an amused smile tells them their comment barely grazed you. They will be left wondering why it didn't land.
You can choose to respond, or you can offer that amused smile and walk away, the way you would with a child. The latter is my favourite. It makes them feel small, and irrelevant. They seethe at being brushed aside. But inside, you know you never had to scramble for an unemotional answer. Your feelings stayed yours. You were spared the strain of constructing a clever argument under emotional duress.
It's a win-win. You don't sour relationships over petty remarks. Your emotional side is never exposed. You emerge as the bigger person rather than the defensive one. It's hard, but it gets easier with practice.
Later, once you're calm and the opportunity presents itself, make a remark that leaves them uncomfortable. They will think twice before crossing you again, because they'll remember that you always settle the score.
You are stronger than you think. You are allowed to feel everything. As long as you don't show it, no one will know how emotionally vulnerable you are. They will never discover your triggers. The appearance of composure makes all the difference.