Emotional Slavery
When you no longer seek anyone’s love or approval, you are truly free. It is this craving for approval that binds us. We tolerate people because they provide something we believe we cannot live without. More often than not, that thing is love, and it comes at a steep price.
We are all, in some way, deprived of love. No matter how much of it you have experienced, it never feels sufficient. You still long for more. Now imagine someone who has always been deprived of it. Someone who was never loved, not even by those who were meant to love him unconditionally.
Such a person grows up believing that love is not selfless. It must be earned. So he learns all kinds of emotional gymnastics to ensure he is always liked. He observes those who receive affection easily and tries to become like them. He studies the behaviors that attract attention and approval, and he adopts them.
This continues until he has gathered enough personal data, observing which behaviors yield better responses. It becomes a kind of internal algorithm, only deeply distorted. Such a person will always, and I repeat, always remain in bondage.
You are a slave to what you need. This applies to everything, from material desires to emotional cravings. People go to extreme lengths for money, and it is socially acceptable because others are doing the same. There is a shared validation in greed.
But observe how a person appears when he goes to extreme lengths just to be accepted. A man desperate for approval, acceptance, and love is a pitiful sight. He may not realize how he appears, but others do.
By “disgusting,” I do not mean it in a literal sense. But to submit to a need, to bow down to a desire, is a degrading trait. It erodes your personality in ways you cannot fully grasp. You are no longer in control. Your actions are dictated by what your mind craves.
You tolerate insults because you fear isolation. You believe that retaliation might cost you connection. So you swallow the insult. You laugh at jokes made at your expense. Over time, those jokes grow harsher, more offensive, and you continue to tolerate them because you are trapped by your own needs.
That is where it becomes ugly. But it does not stop there. You become hyper-focused on who is giving you attention, who is offering warmth. Your mind becomes finely tuned to signals of approval, constantly scanning for them.
And the moment it detects one, it rushes toward it. That is how neediness is born. Even a minor slight becomes a catastrophe to someone who has become hypersensitive. When you reach that point, you are completely trapped.
Jeffrey Young called this the Emotional Deprivation Schema. The definition is not important right now. What matters is that you recognize the pattern.
Start by maintaining a log. No storytelling, no emotional dumping. Keep it clinical. Record four things: date, trigger, body, reaction.
Trigger: What initiated the need? Identify it clearly. Body: What did you feel physically? Often, it shows up in the gut. Reaction: What did you do? Did you say something to please someone? Did you suppress your response again?
Maintain this for at least two weeks, longer if possible. Do not try to change your behavior yet. Simply observe.
While interacting with others, keep one question in mind: do I actually like this person, or do I just want them to see me as likable?
Another question: when faced with banter, am I holding back because I have nothing to say, or because I am afraid of offending them?
Then push it further. What happens if you respond the way you truly want to? The worst outcome is that they may stop talking to you. So what? Can you not exist on your own? Why is acceptance so essential to you? Look at what it has turned you into. A grown man reduced to seeking validation. Do you want that?
It is fine to avoid unnecessary offense, but you still choose the terms of engagement. You can push back. You can disengage. You can ignore.
Keep documenting everything. Use a notebook or even an Excel sheet if that suits you better.
Review it weekly. Patterns will emerge. You will notice recurring triggers, familiar bodily sensations, and predictable reactions. This is your data.
Use it to understand yourself. Redirect your energy toward pursuits that genuinely engage you. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, but do not reduce yourself to seeking attention.
Say what you mean. Respond when necessary. Do not act for approval.
Every time the urge arises, remind yourself that it is the emotional deprivation schema attempting to take control.
You can be kind, but you don’t have to bend a knee for that; you can be nice with a straight spine. Stand straight, internally and externally.
Explore what genuinely brings you satisfaction. Meet new people. Build new connections. Learn how to converse. Learn how to express interest. Study people. Study yourself.
Then build a life that is not dependent on being chosen, but on choosing for yourself.