Defensiveness
We have all been in situations where we are overly defensive about our personality. When we face criticism about our behaviour and habits, we tend to become defensive. We take it as an attack and immediately jump in to explain why we do what we do. We assume we have not explained ourselves well enough. We believe the other person is mistaken. The urgency with which we try to justify ourselves is, in fact, a sign that we are protecting our image.
It signals that we care too much about our self-image in the eyes of others. More than our own opinion, we value external validation. This happens when we are not confident about our worth, which is why we look outward to derive it. We want to be on our best behaviour at all times. We want to avoid misunderstandings, fearing that others might think less of us. This is a sign of low self-worth or low self-esteem. We are unable to feel good on our own, so we depend on others to supply that feeling.
For such people, criticism of their behaviour feels like a personal attack. It threatens the image they are trying to preserve. To protect that image, they aggressively emphasise their point of view. This comes across as defensiveness. If you have been told this too often, the problem may not lie in what you do, but in who you think you are. What do you think of yourself? Start there.
Build inner awareness of your thoughts. Explore who you are, what you like, what you dislike, who you want to become, and how that person behaves. You need to go deeper into these questions. You cannot imagine one version of yourself and act like another. The person you believe yourself to be must align with the person you actually are. Someone who is self-assured in their abilities, and confident in both their strengths and shortcomings, does not feel compelled to rush into explanations. Why should they?
A better approach is to probe whenever you receive criticism that you believe is invalid. Ask why they think that way about you. What action of yours led them to that conclusion? Is it possible that they have completely misinterpreted your actions? If the answer is yes, then make it clear that the responsibility to understand lies with them. If they are struggling, you can help clarify.
Focus on the criticism first. Is it genuine? Perhaps you truly erred. Perhaps your actions hurt them. This is why it is essential to ask which specific actions of yours triggered a negative reaction in their mind. Focus on the behaviour that caused it. Probing is crucial here. It opens a window into how someone thinks. You begin to see how they interpret your words and actions. Use this insight to develop greater situational awareness.
The goal is not to win an argument. It is to build inner awareness. Strengthen your self-worth instead of questioning it. The ultimate objective is to avoid repeating the same argument over and over again. This becomes possible only when you explore the other person’s perspective. Then you either correct your behaviour or correct their perception of it. Either way, you gain a deeper understanding of how people think. And that is the point.