Befriend The Silence
Silence is not peaceful. It is confrontational. The moment you go quiet, you are flooded with thoughts. The same thoughts you have been running from. The same thoughts you formed. The same thoughts that took shape because you kept opening your mouth.
Silence only feels unbearable because you have no working relationship with yourself. You don't know what to do with yourself. You don't know the cause behind the thoughts. The thoughts exist in a vacuum. Without a name. Without a shape. Without cause. Without resolution.
You haven't resolved those thoughts. You don't know how to. So you have kept them inside your head, hoping they will disappear on their own. But they don't. Because every activity triggers one of those thoughts. There are so many of them. The thoughts have formed your identity. Your identity is clinging to those thoughts. This loop sustains itself. The thoughts shape the identity. The identity protects the thoughts.
So you cannot stay with yourself. You need noise. You need people to make that noise. To drown out your thoughts. You need clubs. You need parties. And therefore you need alcohol, because that's what happens at parties. You do drugs because that's the price you pay to belong.
Your identity exists so you can have more people around you. So you never feel lonely. So you never have to live with yourself. And face those thoughts. Loneliness hurts because silence feels threatening. The thoughts haven't been resolved, so the identity remains unformed. It needs new thoughts. Better thoughts. But better thoughts are only possible if the older ones are metabolised.
The thoughts from childhood shaped your youth. You never stopped to resolve them. Those experiences needed to be examined. You never did that. You let them be. Now they have shaped your present identity. You are making the same mistake. You are pushing them aside, and they are quietly shaping your present and the way you deal with people.
Get comfortable with silence. Even if it unsettles you. It is good if it does. That means you are confronting your thoughts. Impose the identity you want. The old identity was built on your earliest understanding of the world. That understanding is outdated. That old structure has to go.
The defensive mindset is a protectionist mindset. It is shielding you from pain. But the belief that the world will hurt you is rooted in an older thought. An older experience. You are a different person now. Things have changed. The defenses must come down. And the only way that can happen is by resolving every thought.
Befriend the silence. In that silence, you get closer to your desires. You get closer to God. Your mind whispers its deepest, darkest truths when you are still. You don't need alcohol to drown out the noise. Resolve the recurring thoughts. The silence will no longer threaten you. It will become the most honest place you know.